I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Randomize
