captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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