Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
