Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
