Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
