Even the bartender felt bad for me
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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