I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
