Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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