im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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