i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
