I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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