Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
