I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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