well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
