Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
