Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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