guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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