is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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