M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
