The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
