why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
