i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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