I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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