her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
