I met the friendliest cop last night
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
