Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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