did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
