She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
