so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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