New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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