you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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