I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
