Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
