I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
