why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
