His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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