If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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