remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
