Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
