My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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