Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
