I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
