If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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