just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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