i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
