I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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