Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
