Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
