The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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