Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
