I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Little spoons don't ask big questions
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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