i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
