I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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