Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
