Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
