I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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